Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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