we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
