So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
They took my balls.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize