I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
