Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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