swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
