I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
