I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
