I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
