god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
