I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
no, he came in my armpit
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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