I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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