Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
