Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize