you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
