Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
