I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
