I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize