Soap is not a condiment
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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