i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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