nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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