The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
