Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
what is it with giant penises always finding me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
