You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
