My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize