Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
