my vag is so smooth its legendary
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize