I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
