That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
