I think I died a long time ago.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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