FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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