I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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