That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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