On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
