hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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