Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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