Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize