I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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