hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
