You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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