just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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