When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
