We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
