My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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