i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
