Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
