Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize