Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
