When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
