Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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