Joe is yelling at the trees again.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
