You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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