my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
