I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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