A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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