I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
