I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
