im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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