Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
