Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
