just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
