Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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