He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
