so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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