Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
